The mummy was always one of those monsters that worked better on paper, or in his case, papyrus. He’s got a creepy look with the rotting bandages and a face that looks like someone fell in a pile of potting soil after an accident with a blow torch, and all that ancient Egyptian paraphernalia sets a nice morbid tone. No, it’s the chase scenes that always left me cold as Tutankhamun’s tomb. Sure, Michael Meyers and Jason Voorhees have made careers out of walking while their victims ran like Olympic sprinters with Ben Gay in their jock straps trying to get to the shower, but Michael and Jason have a purposeful stride. The mummy was usually dealing with a bum leg and having been dead for thousands of years, making it pretty unbelievable that he could catch anyone with two legs and half a brain. Still, time and again, he would catch up with his victims and make them very sorry indeed for defiling his tomb, using his iPod without asking, or whatever transgression was built into the plot of the particular movie in question.

But you know what doesn’t rely on contrived plot devices? Following The Gerbil on social media! Like me on Facebook follow me on Twitter, and now you can even see what I’m doing on Tumblr.